Sunday, October 19, 2008
HOROSCOPES FUNNY
白羊座妈妈经常叮嘱羊羊：'穿裙子时不可以荡秋千；不然，会被小男生看到里面的小内裤哦！'有一天，羊羊高兴地对妈妈说：'今天我和小明比赛荡秋千，我赢了！ '妈妈生气地说：'不是告诉过你吗？穿裙子时不要荡秋千！'羊羊骄傲地说：'可是我好聪明哦！我把里面的小内裤脱掉了，这样他就看不到我的小内裤了！'（勇敢直率、敢做敢为的白羊）金牛座卖瓜小贩：' 快来吃西瓜，不甜不要钱！ '饥渴的牛牛： ' 哇！太好了，老板，来个不甜的！'（持家、想出轨又顾全自己的金牛）双子座妈妈叫双双起床： ' 快点起来！公鸡都叫好几遍了！'双双说： '公鸡叫和我有什么关系？我又不是母鸡！ '（自我意识强烈、自行思维的双子）巨蟹座公车上，蟹蟹说： '今晚我要和妈妈睡！ '妈妈问道：' 你将来娶了媳妇也和妈妈睡阿？ '蟹蟹不假思索：' 嗯！ '妈妈又问： ' 那你媳妇怎么办？ '蟹蟹想了半天，说：' 好办，让她跟爸爸睡！ '妈妈： ' ！＠＃＄％︿＆＊（……—'再看爸爸，已经热泪盈眶啦！（恋母情结、依恋的巨蟹）狮子座狮狮去参加奶奶的寿宴。到了吃寿包的时候，狮狮问：'我们为什么要吃这种像屁股的寿包？'众人听了脸色大变。接著狮狮拨开寿包，看看里面的豆沙，说：'奶奶，快看！里面还有大便！ '众人晕的晕，吐的吐。（以自我感受、不怕旁人眼光的骄傲的狮子）处女座处处对肚脐很好奇，就问爸爸。爸爸把脐带连著胎儿与母体的道理简单地讲了一下，说：'婴儿离开母体之后，医生把脐带减断，并打了一个结，後来就成了肚脐。'处处： '那医生为什么不打个蝴蝶结？ '（好奇心强又追求完美的处女）天秤座父亲对天天说： '今天不要上学了，昨晚．．．你妈给你生了两个弟弟。你给老师说一下就行了。'天天却回答：'爸爸，我只说生了一个；另一个，我想留著下星期不想上时再说！'（聪明、权衡利弊的天平）天蠍座蠍蠍刚睡著，就叫蚊子叮了一口。他起来赶蚊子，却怎么也赶不出去。没法，便指著蚊子说：'好吧，你不出去我出去！ '边说边出了房间，把门使劲关严得意地说：'哼！我今晚不进屋，非把你饿死不可！'（搞不懂、不按常理出牌的天蝎）射手座射射： ' 爸爸，为什么你有那么多白头发？'爸爸： '因为你不乖，所以爸爸有好多白头发阿。 '射射：…… （疑惑中）射射： '那为什么爷爷全部都是白头发？ '爸爸：！＠＃＄％︿＆＊（……（喜欢思考的射手）摩羯座一天，羯羯跟妈妈上街；走在路上，突然下起雨来。妈妈拉过羯羯的小手，说：' 下雨了，快往前跑阿！ '羯羯慢条斯理地问： ' 那前面就不下雨喽！？ '（明白现实懒得改变的摩羯）水瓶座瓶瓶问妈妈： ' 问什么称蒋先生为『先人』？ '妈妈说： ' 因为 ' 先人 ' 是对死去的人的称呼。'瓶瓶说： ' 那去世的奶奶是不是要叫『鲜奶』？'（天生的另类、脑筋思考永远和常人不一样的水瓶）双鱼座爸爸给鱼鱼讲小时候经常挨饿的事。听完後，鱼鱼两眼含泪，十分同情地问：'哦，爸爸，你是因为没饭吃才来我们家的吗？ '（富含丰富同情心、不分情况对象的双鱼）
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
THE TRAINEE ......
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
THE BARBER
One day a florist goes for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you, I am doing a community service". The florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. A butcher goes for a haircut the next day and he also goes to pay the barber and the barber reples: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing a community service". The butcher is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning the barber goes to open his shop and there is a thank you card and a package of steaks waiting at his door.
The next day a Fireman goes for a haircut and goes to pay the barber. The barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you, I am doing a community service".
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds at the door?
Can you guess?
Come on, think like a Fireman....
....two dozen other Firemen waiting for free haircuts!
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. A butcher goes for a haircut the next day and he also goes to pay the barber and the barber reples: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing a community service". The butcher is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning the barber goes to open his shop and there is a thank you card and a package of steaks waiting at his door.
The next day a Fireman goes for a haircut and goes to pay the barber. The barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you, I am doing a community service".
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds at the door?
Can you guess?
Come on, think like a Fireman....
....two dozen other Firemen waiting for free haircuts!
WATCH THOSE BUTTONS
One day John decides to invite Mark on a trip on his private jet. Whilst on this luxury aeroplane Mark asks where the toilet is. John shows him and says to him "inside there are 3 buttons, whatever you do don't press the third one." Mark proceeds to the toilet and does his business. Whilst sitting on the toilet he presses the first button. Suddenly his privates are cleaned thoroughly. He enjoys this and presses the second button. Dryers appear and dry his privates. He is intrigued to find out what button 3 does, so he pushes it. The next thing Mark sees is John staring at him....."what happened?" Mark asks shakily. "Well you pressed the third button and now you are in hospital." "Why do my privates hurt so bad?" Mark asked anxiously..John replies "Well you activated the automatic tampon remover."
SLEEPING IN CHURCH
Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.
The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells:IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!
The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells:IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!
TONS OF Q&A FOR KIDS
Q: What's red and goes up and down?
A: A tomato in an elevator.
Q: What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?
A: We have to stick together.
Q: What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster?
A: Hello, hello.
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldoser.
Q: When is a baseball player like a thief?
A: When he steals a base.
Q: What did the can say to the can opener?
A: You make me flip my lid.
Q: What is a volcano?
A: A mountain with the hiccups.
Q: What do you find at the end of everything?
A: The letter "g".
Q: What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe?
A: He called a toe truck.
Q: Why do two skunks argue?
A: Because they like to kick up a stink.
Q: What did the adding machine say to the cashier?
A: You can count on me.
Q: What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?
A: Put them in a barking lot.
Q: Why did the cat sleep with a fan on?
A: He wanted to be a cool cat.
Q: What did the painter say to the wall?
A: One more crack and I'll plaster you.
Q: Why is baseball like a cake?
A: They both need batters.
Q: What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?
A: Take me to your weeder.
Q: What kind of shoes do you make with banana skins?
A: Slippers!
Q: What did the rug say to the floor?
A: I've got you covered!
Q: How do you make antifreeze?
A: You steal her blanket.
Q: Why does a cow wear a bell?
A: Because her horns don't work.
A: A tomato in an elevator.
Q: What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?
A: We have to stick together.
Q: What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster?
A: Hello, hello.
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldoser.
Q: When is a baseball player like a thief?
A: When he steals a base.
Q: What did the can say to the can opener?
A: You make me flip my lid.
Q: What is a volcano?
A: A mountain with the hiccups.
Q: What do you find at the end of everything?
A: The letter "g".
Q: What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe?
A: He called a toe truck.
Q: Why do two skunks argue?
A: Because they like to kick up a stink.
Q: What did the adding machine say to the cashier?
A: You can count on me.
Q: What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?
A: Put them in a barking lot.
Q: Why did the cat sleep with a fan on?
A: He wanted to be a cool cat.
Q: What did the painter say to the wall?
A: One more crack and I'll plaster you.
Q: Why is baseball like a cake?
A: They both need batters.
Q: What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?
A: Take me to your weeder.
Q: What kind of shoes do you make with banana skins?
A: Slippers!
Q: What did the rug say to the floor?
A: I've got you covered!
Q: How do you make antifreeze?
A: You steal her blanket.
Q: Why does a cow wear a bell?
A: Because her horns don't work.
DOCTOR DOCTOR
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch!
Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!
Doc: Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!
Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.
Then you'll have a bad headache.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God!
Doc: When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the...
Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!
Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?
Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
Doc: I never make rash promises!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog!
Doc: So what's wrong with that?
I think I'm going to croak!
Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch!
Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!
Doc: Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!
Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.
Then you'll have a bad headache.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God!
Doc: When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the...
Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!
Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?
Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
Doc: I never make rash promises!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog!
Doc: So what's wrong with that?
I think I'm going to croak!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
LOOKING BACK ON PHOTO
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice from the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's still old, nasty, and wrinkled"
A small voice from the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's still old, nasty, and wrinkled"
WOULD YOU PLEASE MOVE YOUR CAR?
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class."
MENU
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
INDIA
Surinder Singh's uncle was booked into an Air India flight to Bombay . But
as this was his first time in an aeroplane, he made a few preparations that
were out of place.
When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the
uncle declared loudly, 'I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't
charge me for food and drinks!'
So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading
out his own home-cooked meal.
The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher and was
curious about the food. 'Excuse me, what is that drink?' he asked.
The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, 'Milk of India !'
Then the uncle took out several pieces of chappatis and started feasting.
'And what is that dish?' asked the curious American.
'Wheat of India !' replied the uncle proudly.
Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the American.
'What is it?' asked the American.
'Sweets of India !' replied the old man.
After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud
'pooooooooot!' sound from the uncle.
'What was that?' asked the American, holding his nose in disgust.
The old man replied coolly, 'That's Air India !!!'.
as this was his first time in an aeroplane, he made a few preparations that
were out of place.
When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the
uncle declared loudly, 'I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't
charge me for food and drinks!'
So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading
out his own home-cooked meal.
The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher and was
curious about the food. 'Excuse me, what is that drink?' he asked.
The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, 'Milk of India !'
Then the uncle took out several pieces of chappatis and started feasting.
'And what is that dish?' asked the curious American.
'Wheat of India !' replied the uncle proudly.
Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the American.
'What is it?' asked the American.
'Sweets of India !' replied the old man.
After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud
'pooooooooot!' sound from the uncle.
'What was that?' asked the American, holding his nose in disgust.
The old man replied coolly, 'That's Air India !!!'.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
GOD'S WATCHING
The teacher put two baskets of treats on her desk, a basket of apples and a basket of cookies.
She told the students to each take only one treat.
Next to the basket of apples was a sign:
Take only one, God is watching.
As one little boy reached over to take a cookie, the boy next to him said, "Take all you want, God's watching the apples"!
She told the students to each take only one treat.
Next to the basket of apples was a sign:
Take only one, God is watching.
As one little boy reached over to take a cookie, the boy next to him said, "Take all you want, God's watching the apples"!
LITTLE SALLY TALK TOO MUCH
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good . . . mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
THE LITTLE GIRL AND A BIRD
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "Idon't know.
I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "Idon't know.
I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
PROBLEM SOLVED
A worried man goes to his doctor and explains, "Doc, there's something seriously wrong with my digestive system!" "If I eat carrots, when I go to the bathroom, out comes carrots! If I eat peas, I take a dump, out comes peas! I eat apples and I poop apples! I'm worried, Doc; What do you suggest?"
The doctor said calmly, "No problem, eat shit."
The doctor said calmly, "No problem, eat shit."
NOT LONG ENOUGH
A beautiful woman asked a computer geek what would be a reasonable password for her new E-Mail. And he answered "Penis", so she tyred it in. She had just stop laughing about the word when a screen came up. COMPUTER REJECTION. NOT LONG ENOUGH.
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